Being Valid


To be honest, I’m terrible around the LGBTQ community (I’m not going to speak about the I – Intersex part of the community because I’m not intersex).

At first I always put it down as me being awkward around people. Until I realised that I could actually interact with people who were cis or non-heterosexual with ease. I could also interact with people whose gender identity or sexual orientation I was not aware of.

But put me in a room of LGBTQ people and I freeze. I feel awkward. 

Did I look up to them? after all, they were people who came out. I’m out too for the most part, but I would automatically assume that these people came out before me. So maybe I saw them as my heroes, but after spending time with them I would be able to calm down.

That never happened.

I tried joining my local LGBTQI group but I just could never interact. I didn’t contribute with my opinion on issues I could contribute on. So what was going on? 

I didn’t feel *gay* enough. I didn’t feel *queer* enough. And I feared their judgement. 

Was this way of thinking my fault, or theirs? I would say both.

It’s my fault that I feel like I’m not a valid member of the community. I need to learn that the way I feel and express myself are good ways, so long as I’m myself. I need to learn that just because I don’t identify as trans* it doesn’t mean that I’m not non-binary. 

But it’s also the community’s fault for being so aggressive. I can understand the need to fight for one’s rights, to have to justify one’s emotions because the *normal* people can’t get it. But it’s this aggressiveness which makes it so hard for someone to join that community, to say ‘here I am, in all my glory’.

It’s also the community’s fault for not fighting against the stereotypes which they themselves can perpetuate. Am I expected to look and act gay? and is there a point where I become *too* gay or queer to be accepted?

I’ve realised that I could never be part of the queer or pansexual community, and I’ve accepted that. But it’s still a very difficult thing to accept, after all, we’re all looking for our place in this world. 


7 thoughts on “Being Valid

  1. I believe you fear those stereotypes yourself. Just be you. No matter where you are or what you’re dealing with you’ll always come across people who won’t appeal to you one way or another. So do what you feel right, be vocal when you think you’re right about something and even if you’re not, learn how to stand your ground 🙂


  2. You’re not alone. I was proud of my ability to mingle comfortably with people from all walks if life … until it became clear that I never felt more awkward than I did around other lesbians.

    I finally decided it’s because my lesbianism is limited to my physical and emotional attraction to women. Buy my entertainment choices, travel plans, political leanings, social circles, etc. just aren’t that gay. I don’t like going to Pride Parades, I can’t get that into OITNB, and I love Palm Springs but have no desire to be there during the Dinah Shore event.

    The older I get, the less it bothers me, but it’s still nice to know there are others out there who “just aren’t that gay.” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment! I feel that personally I am quite *gay* (but then again, I compare myself with my straight + cis friends), however, I do feel that in a conversation with multiple other queers I would not be able to keep up, or be interested. For example, like you, I do not see the pleasure in events such as Dinah Shore.

      Keep being yourself 🙂 Evidently, we are not alone 🙂


  3. I get it. I am pan and genderqueer, and unless you are pan and genderqueer you don’t understand. Sounds extreme, but the reality is that we are so used to the lgbt identities that we forget there are a million more out there. Yesterday I “came out” through fb for being genderqueer and explaining that when people assume my gender hurts me. But it doesnt change me. The only thing that other lgbtq people and I have in common is activism, otherwise we might have nothing in common otherwise and that is where the awkward arises. Looking at my circle of friends, I actually don’t know their sexual orientation or gender identity, some are straight forward about it, others are shy, but I don’t care and neigther do them. I have come to realise there is no gay culture. People who’s personality is all about being gay and the so called “gay culture” doesn’t appeal to me. So yea, I get it, and it is okay to feel the way you do. Many people do feel that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree Sophie, I was discussing this with a friend today and she brought up the same principle that just because we may have the same sexual or gender identity doesn’t automatically make us the same. We are so much more than these labels.

      Liked by 1 person

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